Case #2485721: Douchebag vs. The Saints

December 13, 2017

We've got a contender for worst fan in the world. According to USA Today reporters Kevin Spain and AJ Perez, there is one New Orleans Saints fan who is suing the team for the cost of his season tickets because some of the players were kneeling during the National Anthem. 

Lee Dragna said that the players kneeling to protest police brutality has prevented him and his family from enjoying the games (even though he admits in his lawsuit that he's only been to two games this season). So he wants his money back. Dragna states in his lawsuit that “if petitioner had known that Saints football players would use Saints football games as a platform for protests he would not have purchased the Saints season tickets.”

 

What. The. Fuck?!

 

This is all kinds of amazing. This dude honestly thinks he can get his money back because players are kneeling during the National Anthem? How does anyone think that a lawsuit like this won't just get immediately thrown out? It's such a huge waste of time and resources.

 

But it got me thinking. If this guy can sue because he's butt hurt that players are exercising their First Amendment Rights, what can I sue for?

 

So below, is a list of lawsuits that I'm thinking of bringing against Mike Brown and the Cincinnati Bengals.

 

Case: Defrauding Fans

Defendant: Cincinnati Bengals

Damages Sought: $1.8 Billion

Summary: The Cincinnati Bengals led us to believe that, despite letting their two best offensive lineman go in the offseason, that the team would be able to compete in the National Football League. Throughout this season, it's been apparent that the Bengals are on the same level as a middle of the road Sun Belt team, at best, and only occasionally play like an NFL Franchise. Petitioner requests $1.8 Billion in damages (the value of the team according to a recent Forbes valuation of NFL teams) so that petitioner can purchase the team to make sure Mike Brown can never de-fraud fans again.

 

Case: Irreparable Damage to Brand

Defendant: Andy Dalton

Damages Sought: $10,000,000

Summary: You may think the Bengals God-awful season would be irreparable damage to their brand. But no, people just expect this from the Bengals. However, Andy Dalton has caused irreparable damage to the brand and image of red heads everywhere. "The Red Rifle" has looked more like "My Dog's Red Rocket" this season. And while a lot of it has to do with poor play calls, horrible offensive line play, and little-to-no help from the run game, Andy Dalton takes a brunt of the criticism. In doing so, it paints ALL red heads in a bad light. The red head brand has taken a hit because of the hatred that is thrown on Andy Dalton. And if he was a better quarterback, people would be coloring their hair to be more like him. Petitioner requests $10,000,000 in pain and suffering for having to hear/read more cruel red head jokes that have died off since the "South Park Ginger Episode" boom of 2005.

 

Case: Criminal Spreading of Disease

Defendant: Cincinnati Bengals

Damages Sought: $50,000,000

Summary: On at least two occasions this season (once in Green Bay against Aaron Rodgers and the Packers and once in Cincinnati against the Pittsburgh Steelers), the Bengals jumped out to first half leads and gave their fans hope. They came out in the second half and played like shit, allowing their lead, and the game, to get away from them. So why is this considered spreading disease? You can't shit yourself that bad and not get other people sick in doing so. Petitioner seeks $50,000,000 to thoroughly clean the stank of being a Bengals fan off of his body.

 

What else would you sue your favorite team for? Let us know in the comments below or in the Craft Brewed Sports Facebook Group. Or, hit up the Drunk Line and leave us a message: 440-37-DRUNK

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